IS ADOPTION POSSIBLE WITH A HISTORY OF CHRONIC OR SEVERE MEDICAL ILLNESS?

Can a person with a history of chronic or severe medical illness adopt?  The answer is “YES.”  

Individuals and couples who are medically stable can adopt. If you have a history of a severe, life-threatening or chronic illness, you will be asked to provide a doctor’s letter indicating your medical status and that they see no reason why you would be not be able to meet the responsibilities of parenting.  A doctor’s letter typically includes the diagnosis, treatment and prognosis. Some require the doctor to state that they expect you to live to the child’s majority (age 16).

But getting a doctor’s support in pursuing an adoption is only part of the process. In addition, you will need to explore how any medical or physical limitations would affect your ability to meet a child’s daily needs or interfere in their emotional, physical or social development.

During the application phase of the adoption process, you will have to share your medical history and status with attorneys or adoption agencies. You will also need to examine this in more detail with the adoption social worker conducting your homestudy.

Each adoptive parent must show he or she is medically stable and has the physical and emotional stamina to meet a child’s needs. You need to have taken time to accept and adjust to any medical diagnosis, treatment and recovery. 

You need to have explored your support system as it relates to helping you with childrearing should you have a recurrence or your symptoms or illness worsens. How you have accepted your illness and resolved its implications on your life and lifestyle demonstrate to the social worker your resilience and coping skills.

Raising a child is physically taxing. You are in constant motion, probably not getting enough sleep and keeping up with your child’s ever changing needs and schedules. You have to consider who would be there to assist you in accomplishing these daily tasks, temporarily or permanently, should you become unable to perform them.

Finally there is the child to consider. Adoption involves loss - your loss of a biological child and –your child’s loss of a birth family. For a child, worrying about losing another parent may be overwhelming and result in psychological and developmental delays. They may be resistant to go to school or other social events if it means they will not be with you. They may worry every time you sneeze or “look tired”.

I have heard the argument that anyone could be hit by a car and die, leaving a child without a parent. And I agree. It would be devastating and lead to many changes and rearrangements in a child’s life. The difference is that living with a chronic condition or the threat of a recurring life threatening illness is like living with a constant question mark over one’s head - if and when it will happen again.

However with all the challenges, parenting is joyful and wonderful. So plan for the best, but keep an eye on dealing with anything that life may throw your way.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ARE EXPLANATIONS NECESSARY?

Some may accuse me of spending too much time explaining things to my kids.  I always felt it was necessary to provide a reason for why something needed to be done or could not be done, or why a rule was set.  I also made clear why treating others with kindness and respect was important.  As I watched my daughters’ interact with others, I saw they got the message loud and clear.

Now I am doing the same thing with my grandson and am very mindful of the behavior of other parents and caretakers. So, whether walking the streets or riding New York City public transit, I am always listening and observing.

I do not understand not holding a child’s hand when crossing a busy intersection, or letting them rush ahead on scooters or lag behind as they make their way down the busy sidewalk. In New York, cars and bikes move rapidly, and while we would like for them all to observe that pedestrians have the right of way, many don’t. Children may not be aware of the dangers.  I believe safety should come first. When walking around the city, my rule is hold your child’s hand, keep them at arm’s length and in sight.

I am also blown away by how parents talk to children. There is the simple “hold on”, “sit down” or “put your feet down” I hear over and over again on the bus. I said the same things but would add why. “Hold on so you don’t fall.” “Sit down in case the bus jerks. I don’t want you to get hurt.” “Put your feet down, so you don’t get the dirt from the bottom of your shoes on the seat. If you do, someone will sit in all that dirt and grime.” Yeah, I talked a lot. I also taught them to give a seat to an older person, pregnant woman or someone who seemed to need to sit down. I would put my child on my lap. Sometimes, I would give them my seat and I would stand. Sometimes, my child wanted to stand. I do not understand parents who allow young children to occupy a seat when an older person is standing. I remember well, who offered me a seat and who didn’t when I was stumbling around in a cast with a cane when I broke a bone in my foot.

I observe people. I notice children who do not resemble the adult they are with and wonder (inside my head) if it is a nanny/babysitter or an adopted child. But I do not understand strangers who feel they can ask for that relationship to be explained. I have heard “Is that your child?”, “Is the father Asian?” and even “Is he adopted?” Less obvious, but nevertheless intrusive are the “Where did she get the blonde hair”, “Are they siblings?” or “Are you the nanny?” 

Why do people feel they have the right to ask such questions?

Our world is complicated. We encourage freedom of speech, yet need to control some conversations. I believe those of us connected to adoption in any way, parents (birth and adoptive), children (adopted, siblings or friends), extended family or professionals are in the position to educate others so that they know what and when to talk about adoption: when conversations should be private or who should be sharing information with the adopted child, family members and those in the child’s daily life and community. But this puts a lot of pressure on those of us in this adoption “club”.

As I go through my daily life, watching those around me or viewing how adoption is portrayed on television and in the news media, I will continue to observe how others handle these situations.  And most importantly I will be watching the faces of the children and how they respond.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SECOND PARENT ADOPTION

When I meet with anyone who is interested in adopting, I am looking for a person who can provide a nurturing, secure, stable and loving home for a child. I want to be certain that they are prepared to meet all of the  child's medical, psychological, social,  academic and recreational needs. I want to assess their potential for parenting, including their ability to be flexible and resilient. I want to be sure they understand that adoptive parenting is different; that it adds a   complexity to their own and their child's lives and to their family. LBGTQ families are no different. Whether there is one mom or dad, or a male or female couple.

In fact, how an LGBTQ individual or couple have handled their "coming out" and  integrated into their family and community is a good indication of how they will handle another personal and family life event. 

Many LGBTQ families and heterosexual couples who are blending families (including the adoption of one another's children) choose to pursue a Second Parent Adoption to legalize the parental relationships of both adults in the family. WHAT'S A SECOND PARENT ADOPTION first appeared in the American Fertility Association (now known as Path2Parenthood) Annual Guide. 

I am honored to have been part of so many adoptions of children in LGBTQ and blended families and look forward to many more to come.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

SNOW DAYS

New York City has been blanketed by a giant snow storm – 28 inches in one 24 hour period. We have not had a storm like this for many years.

I see our family dogs frolicking in the newly fallen snow. The larger ones ploughing through and the one with shorter legs, jumping around like a bunny. Their excitement and joy was palpable.

This weather brings back memories of snow days when my girls were young.

I was never the one to go out and play in the snow. That was left to their father. He took them sledding and ice skating. I usually stayed home to cook a hearty winter meal, and had hot cocoa ready for their return.

There are several occasions that stand out in my mind. Bundling my older daughter in a snowsuit was an ordeal. It had zippers and buttons and Velcro. By the time she was all dressed with boots and a hood, she had to pee. Off everything came and once mission accomplished, the dressing process started all over again. Both of us now ready for the elements, we ventured out into the snowy wilderness. I can still see her waddling down the path in that periwinkle snowsuit, picking up snow and not truly understanding what it was or why it easily blew away in the wind.

Then there was the time my younger daughter and I went for a stroll in the snow. After wandering around for a while, we turned towards home. She was not ready to go in and made a snow cave right outside our building. There was so much snow that a 4 year old could dig a tunnel to nowhere. She was the engineer. Her friend helped carve out the cave.

Or the time my older daughter taught her sister how to make snow angels on the lawn of their grandparents’ home in Westchester County. They had such a great time, there were snow angels, as far as the eye could see.

I wonder if they would have ever even seen snow if they were raised in Texas where they were born.

Adoption not only gives a child new parents, siblings and extended family, it exposes the child to new traditions, celebrations, foods, experiences and sometimes even weather. Maybe with another family, my daughters would have never seen snow, or gone skiing or fled to a warmer climate in the winter.

My younger daughter chooses to live in Las Vegas. My older daughter braces the cold and lives in Northern Westchester County.  Me? I will stay inside, with a hot beverage and my thick fuzzy socks and oversized sweater. Just as I watched the snow fall, I shall now observe the clean-up and enjoy seeing the children’s excitement of the magic that a blanket of snow can bring.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

ACCEPTED FOR WHO WE ARE

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the upcoming presidential election dominated the media this week. I was struck by an overarching theme: equality is a basic American value, and the fight for it is essential to ensure inherent rights to all our citizens. The same theme resonates when we navigate challenging situations.

Hatred, prejudice, and discrimination are wrong. No segment of our population should be treated differently because of their race, religion, sexual orientation or family values. People are people. If we invested our energy in working together rather than in working against one another we could achieve great things.

Adoption is one of the areas where prejudice rears its ugly head. Adoptive parents are seen as inadequate because they have been unable to reproduce; birth parents are adjudged irresponsible for getting pregnant and being unable to raise their children; and adoptees deemed less worthy than birth children. What would happen if society took on the mantra – “it takes a village”? Then it would be our collective responsibility to ensure that every child was raised in a loving family who would meet all their needs. It would not matter which family raised them.  This worldview would, in turn, change the perception of adoption. Children would simply be granted the relationships they need to grow and thrive. No labels. No judgments.

Skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or any other such category would no longer matter. Only one thing would count: the presence of an adult to meet a child’s needs and to love them for whom they were. To return to the original inspiration for these thoughts, such a society would reflect our American value of equality and realize the vision of MLK who wanted each individual judged solely by “the content of their character.” 

I like that world.  

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I have never liked making New Year’s resolutions. In the past, I have made the typical ones about weight and health. I have promised to create more quiet time and relaxing opportunities. I have set goals of spending more time writing and learning. Each year, I have good intentions, but as the months progress, I see my resolve slipping and I fall back into old ways and patterns. Ugh.

So this year, rather than set my expectations high and feel I’ve let myself and others down, I am just concentrating on the ones I know I can achieve.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS - Even with our busy lives, we stay in touch - texting makes it so much easier. My mother and sister ground me, especially during stressful or indecisive times. They are my best support system and we are comfortable asking one another any question or stating any opinion, even if we disagree.

I have a small select group of friends. We are confidents, offering support, a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on throughout the years. Due to busy schedules and distance, we may not see one another very often, but are always a phone call away. Even those with whom I talk to less frequently, as soon as we hear each other’s voice, it is as if no time has elapsed. We pick up where we left off, update one another on life’s events and always end with the promise to call more often.

I also have a close group of friends who fall into the colleague category...those I have met while working together. We have witnessed the growing up of our children and our own passing through chronological and professional developmental stages. As many of us are adoptive parents, birth parents or adult adoptees, adoption work is very personal to us, and we provide easy access to information and emotional support both as parents and as professionals. I still call upon these “friends” when I need a second opinion or am looking for additional resources for clients. We have grown close through our working relationships.

ADOPTION - When my kids were young, holidays made me not only reflect on how much they had grown from the past year, but also made me wonder about their birth families. How were they? Were they thinking of their daughters living so far away? New Year’s was a time that I thought of their birth families.  I wondered if they were thinking of us here in New York.

As an adoptive or birth parent, holidays can cause the resurfacing memories of past decisions and questioning of how those decisions turned out. Some children ask more questions about their birth family. They wonder what life would have been like if they still lived in the town where they were born. I understood this pondering in my own children, and also wondered what their lives life would have been if they were adopted by a different family.

I will continue to contemplate and learn about adoption during the coming year. I will share what I know and have learned from others. I will provide guidance and counseling on the adoption process and living as an adoptive family. I will remember and educate others that being part of an adoptive family includes birth parents, regardless of whether they are physically present in a child’s life. I will assist children, young teens and adults to understand the influence of adoption in their lives, to integrate their early history and current lifestyle and to develop self-confidence.

LOOKING FORWARD – I see many possibilities for myself over the next year. Rather than choosing a list of goals on which to concentrate, I have decided to be the best I can be, see where the road takes me and take advantage of what is presented.

I shall concentrate when the news reflects the goodness in our society.

I will seize professional opportunities.

I will share what I know with those around me.

When I see rainbows, I shall see it as a sign of good fortune.

When I am offered lemons, I shall make (diet) lemonade.

My best wishes to all of you for a wonderful and fulfilling New Year.

Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.

Reflections on 2015

There have been so many world changing events; it is sometimes hard to refocus on what is near at hand. Yet, I have continued to expand as a professional and adoptive mother.

I have enjoyed being a part of your lives, watching you begin and enlarge your families. I am still in awe of the adoption process and the strength of so many women and men who make adoption plans. I am constantly rewarded by your courage, determination and loving gift to your children.

I have enjoyed counseling those of you considering options for parenting, making an adoption plan and exploring adoptive parents for your child. These are never easy decisions: the emotions are intense and your physical and emotional stamina are inspiring. We have talked through difficult decisions, not only during your pregnancy but on how and when to gather information about your child or staying in touch directly with adoptive parents if that is your wish.

It has been a pleasure to consult with those of you looking for a route to adopt and to counsel those of you looking to enhance your everyday parenting skills. I compliment those of you who explore the many aspects of adoptive parenting, of how to enlarge your family, of the reactions of your child to living in an adoptive family, of the relationships built between birth and adoptive families and of your ability to reach out for guidance and information as your family grows.

I am grateful to those of you who have welcomed me into your home to conduct a homestudy and to help you explore what it will mean to be an adoptive parent. And I am always thrilled to return to meet your child and do the post placement visits to assist in the finalization process.

I cannot believe my girls are 24 and 28 years old. Where did the time go? I can picture vividly the first time I met these little infant girls, when they took their first steps and said their first words. I see them heading off to pre-school, all the way through to when they left for college. I have watched them become sensitive and articulate women. They know who they are and are creating independent lives, yet maintaining loving relationships with family.

I look forward to 2016 surrounded by a loving family and work that makes my life fulfilling. I wish you all a healthy, happy, successful and wondrous year. Never give up your dreams…


Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. She has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled adoptive parents and parents-to-be, and has trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program from March 1992 to March 2015. She is Head Writer for Adoption.net, member of the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood and has a private practice in New York City. She was a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. Follow or reach her at ADOPTION MAVEN BLOG or EMAIL.